This post arises from a reflection I’ve been making over the last few months about the type of people who surround us and the way they interact with us, whether in a professional or personal context.
In fact, interpersonal relationships are one of the aspects that have the greatest impact on our quality of life and well-being. This is reflected in our productivity, our ability to develop nurturing relationships, and our learning journey.
It is therefore important to know how to recognize those around us so that we can wisely choose with whom we make our journey (if we have a choice) as well as how to deal with those around us (when we can’t choose who surrounds us).
The experiences of recent years have been sufficiently fertile in illustrating the enormous diversity of people we can meet, allowing for a process of reflection and self-discovery for which I am deeply grateful, and which I am sharing with you today.
Freedom and truth
By observing the people, I interacted with and their recurring behavior, I found reasonably consistent patterns (but only based on my personal experience), which then led me to study a little about what might be behind these patterns.
I concluded that two factors influence these patterns:
– respect for the freedom of others (the extent to which a person allows others to express their opinions, desires, and autonomy without trying to control or impose them.
– our valuing of truth in relationships with others (a person’s commitment to honesty and transparency in relationships, avoiding lies, manipulation, or distortion of reality – we could also call this authenticity).
We can cross-reference these two factors in the context of interpersonal relationships to identify four possible styles of interaction, easily identifiable in the behavior of the people around us:
1) Virtuous (High respect for freedom and truth)
a) Characteristics: Honesty combined with empathy and respect for the other person’s autonomy. The person values the truth, but communicates respectfully, without imposing their opinions or disrespecting the boundaries of others.
b) Examples: Friends who tactfully share constructive criticism, couples who practice non-violent communication, and bosses who provide honest but respectful feedback.
c) An author worth reading is Carl Rogers, who emphasizes the importance of authenticity and mutual respect for healthy relationships.
2) Bully (High respect for the truth, but low respect for the freedom of others)
a) Characteristics: The person is brutally honest, but without taking into account the other person’s feelings and autonomy. They can be critical, direct, and sometimes rude, justifying their behavior as “just being honest”.
b) Examples: People who make offensive comments because “the truth needs to be told”, parents who impose their opinions on their children without listening to them;
c) I recommend reading Marshall Rosenberg, who argues that the truth should be communicated with empathy to avoid fraught relationships.
3) Flatterers (High respect for freedom, but low respect for the truth)
a) Characteristics: They avoid conflict and leave others free to act as they wish, but they do so without total honesty. They may omit information, distort facts, or tell “half-truths” to maintain harmony in the relationship.
b) Examples: People who say they’re fine when they’re not, friends who give false praise to avoid conflict, and leaders who don’t talk openly about team problems.
c) Recommended reading: Paul Ekman describes how socially motivated lying can be used to avoid confrontation but can erode trust over time.
4) Toxic (Low respect for freedom and truth)
a) Characteristics: The person lies, manipulates and tries to control the other to meet their own needs. They may use emotional coercion, blackmail, gaslighting or distortion of reality to maintain power in the relationship.
b) Examples: Abusive partners who manipulate the other’s perception, toxic bosses who invent false justifications to devalue employees, make arbitrary decisions or even pit team members against each other to promote unhealthy competitiveness.
c) On toxicity, I recommend reading Lundy Bancroft, who explains how manipulative people distort the truth to exert control over others.
These four profiles help us understand how different approaches to respect for truth and freedom shape interpersonal relationships. The ideal would be to seek a balance between authenticity and respect for the other person’s space, avoiding extremes that can lead to stressful or abusive relationships.
The 4 profiles: characteristics and implications
Let’s take a closer look at these 4 profiles and what to do about them...
1. VIRTUOUS
Characteristics:
– Values honesty but communicates it with empathy.
– Respect the other person’s feelings and autonomy.
– Doesn’t use lies to avoid conflict but doesn’t aggressively impose their truth either.
– Has active listening and assertive communication skills.
Impact on relationships:
– Creates bonds based on trust and mutual respect.
– Encourages personal and interpersonal growth.
– Reduces unnecessary conflicts, as there is transparency and understanding.
How to deal with this style:
If this is you:
– Keep practicing assertive communication – being honest, but with empathy.
– Strengthen your active listening – really paying attention to what the other person feels and needs.
– Avoid being too outspoken at inappropriate times – sometimes silence or a more careful approach are more effective.
– Cultivate emotional intelligence – realize when the other person is most vulnerable and adapt your communication.
If it’s someone else:
– Value this type of person and try to maintain that relationship.
– If you need to give feedback, do so openly and respectfully, as they are usually willing to listen.
– Strengthen the bond by encouraging reciprocity: show gratitude when the person is honest and respectful towards you.
2. BULLY
Characteristics:
– Tells the truth without considering the other person’s feelings.
– Believes that being honest is more important than being kind.
– Can appear arrogant, critical or sarcastic.
– Thinks that expressing their opinions freely is an absolute right, without considering their impact.
Impact on relationships:
– Can create resentment and estrangement.
– People may avoid interactions for fear of criticism.
– Difficulty in building deep emotional relationships.
How to deal with this style:
If this is you:
– Practice cognitive empathy – try to see how your words might affect others.
– Use the constructive feedback method:
– Start with a genuine compliment
– Tell the truth, but in a constructive way
– End with a positive encouragement or suggestion
– Ask yourself before you speak: “Does what I’m about to say really help this person?”
– Work on your body language and tone of voice so that your sincerity doesn’t come across as rude.
If it’s someone else:
– Use the “Emotional Mirror” technique: if the person speaks harshly, respond calmly, showing that there is another way to communicate.
– Directly state the impact of their words: “I value your sincerity, but I’d prefer it if you said it more respectfully.”
– If the person insists on being rude, set a firm limit: “I don’t accept that kind of communication with me.”
– If the relationship is important, ask the person to practice Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and give practical examples of how they could express themselves better.
3. FLATTERER
Characteristics:
– Avoids conflict at all costs, even if it means hiding or distorting the truth.
– Uses small lies to keep the peace or avoid hurting others.
– Can be overly diplomatic, never expressing their own opinions clearly.
– Tends to be passive-aggressive, as they don’t express their frustrations directly.
Impact on relationships:
– Can generate mistrust when lies or omissions are discovered.
– Superficial relationships, because people don’t know what’s going on.
– It can cause frustration in others, who perceive a lack of clarity.
How to deal with this style:
If this is you:
– Work on assertiveness – learn to say what you think and feel.
– Replace lies or omissions with phrases that respect other people’s feelings, but don’t shy away from the truth. Example:
– Instead of saying “I’m fine” when you’re not, say “I’d rather not talk about it now, but I appreciate your concern.”
– Remember that healthy conflicts are necessary for authentic relationships – running away from them can lead to resentment.
– Practice gradual self-expression – you don’t have to change drastically but try to be a little more honest with each conversation.
If it’s someone else:
– Encourage honesty by creating a safe environment for the person to express themselves. Example: “I prefer you to be honest with me, even if the truth isn’t pleasant.”
– Use open questions to encourage more transparency: “What do you really think about this?”
– Say it directly when you notice manipulation: “I prefer you to say what you want clearly, without beating around the bush.”
– If you notice excessive passivity, encourage the person to express their opinions and show that their ideas have value.
4. TOXIC
Characteristics:
– Uses lies, distortion of reality, and manipulation to control others.
– May resort to emotional blackmail, gaslighting, or veiled threats.
– They don’t respect other people’s autonomy and want to impose their will.
– Usually displays narcissistic or abusive behavior.
Impact on relationships:
– Can generate abusive and destructive relationships.
– Makes the other person doubt their perception of reality (gaslighting).
– Creates an environment of fear and insecurity.
How to deal with this style:
If this is you:
– Reflect on your motivations – do you use lies or manipulation to maintain control or avoid vulnerability?
– Work on your authenticity – being truthful can be uncomfortable at first, but it strengthens relationships in the long term.
– Learn to respect the other person’s autonomy – don’t try to force or distort reality for your own benefit.
– If you notice more intense traits (such as gaslighting or constant manipulation), you may need to go to therapy to understand unconscious patterns of behavior.
If it’s someone else:
1) Set clear boundaries – manipulators test how far they can go. Say: “I don’t accept this kind of behavior.”
2) Avoid falling for the emotional game – manipulation usually involves guilt, emotional blackmail or distortion of reality.
3) Trust your instincts – if you feel something seems strange or forced, question it.
4) If there is gaslighting (the person trying to make you doubt your perception of reality), record important events to remind yourself of what happened.
5) If the manipulation is too intense and damaging, consider walking away – this kind of relationship can be toxic and difficult to change without a genuine effort on the part of the other party.
Conclusion
The four interpersonal relationship styles are formed by the balance (or imbalance) between respect for the other person’s freedom and respect for the truth. The ideal is to seek an Authentic and Respectful style, where there is honesty and empathy.
If you notice that you or someone close to you is in one of the problematic styles, you can work on skills such as assertiveness, empathy and non-violent communication to improve relationships.
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